He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. He made me so insecure about the way I looked. I told him many times that it hurt me, and I asked him if could just stop. He said he would- and he did for a few weeks. But then he’d do it again. He made sure I knew that he liked the girls that were really beautiful. The girls that had the pretty face and pretty body and perfect hair. Everything that wasn’t me.
He made me feel useless and a burden to him. He made me feel like caring for him was wrong. When I met him, he was a mess. Hardly any money, dropped out of high school and still hasn’t finished, etc. I helped him get his shit together. He said he loved me for that. But what do I get in return? He leaves me when he doesn’t need me anymore. He just walks right out.
I trusted him with all my secrets- my depression, my cutting, my pain. These are the things I can’t tell my best friend because I don’t want to be judged and treated differently. But I trusted him. And instead of being here for me and supporting me, he has knocked me down and made me feel more worthless by ignoring me and playing with my feeling and always making me feel second best next to everything else. He drove me to cut myself more and smoke and drink and do anything that will take away the pain of knowing you love someone so much who will never love you.
No I didn’t want him to “save me” or “come to my rescue” or “fix me”. I just wanted him to understand how much pain I was in. And instead of just watching me suffer, I needed him to be there to support me while I tried to recover because he was the only person who really knew what I was struggling with. But instead he ignored me and told me how useless I was and showed me how little I mean to him. I gave him everything I had, I had so many memories with him, I fell in love with him, and finding out that I mean absolutely nothing to him has broken me down into nothing. I am nothing and I am worthless and I am alone. But mostly, I am hurt because he promised me he’d never leave me alone, and here I am.
Find someone who will fight for you until the end. Find someone who will love you whether you’re happy, sad, or angry. Find someone who would rather spend days arguing and finding a compromise with you rather than ignore you and let you go. Find someone who will love you endlessly, and will always prove it to you.
You know, I think one of the worst feelings is finding out that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought you did, and you just feel stupid, and because you looked desperate, about caring too much.